Ep. 093 - How to Talk to Your Heirs About Their Inheritance: Biblical Wisdom for Hard Conversations

Episode Transcript

Austin
If you've prayerfully set a cap on your savings and decided what to give to your heirs, you might be wondering how do you actually talk about it with them? These conversations can feel awkward, but they're essential for clarity, unity, and discipleship. In this episode, we'll explore biblical principles, practical steps, and wisdom to help you steward God's resources well and guide your family toward an eternal perspective.
So, Spencer, today we're going to dive into the topic of how to actually have these hard conversations with heirs. Sometimes it may not actually be that challenging. You may be aligned in vision and purpose, and they know that your desire is to give them resources through life because you've been doing it. Sometimes it might be a little bit more difficult, I think, especially for clients that have amassed a significant amount of resources that they're planning to give away.
Those conversations can be really challenging. So today, we really want to dive into the morass of what does it look like to actually have these conversations? What is appropriate, what is, how do we actually think about this wisely? And, you know, over the last couple of episodes, we've talked about this idea of finish lines. How do we set finish lines for our savings, for our annual spending?
And then even as we pass it along to heirs. And so if you've not listened to those episodes, go back and listen to them before diving into this one. So we want to start off and just remember that we are stewards. Psalm 24, verses one and two says, the earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof the world and those who dwell therein.
For he is founded it upon the seas, and established it upon the rivers. The reality here is we need to have this in mind, that everything is the Lord's as we come into these stewardship conversations. So as we think about actually setting the framework for a conversation on biblical stewardship and what heirs are anticipating receiving, what are the things that are maybe front of mind that we really need to consider first and foremost?

Spencer
I think the first thing, Austin, is that the framework has to be that of stewardship and really being rooted in those principles. So as we as we come at that conversation, we look at it and we say, okay, wealth is a tool. It's not a trophy. We are trying to make sure that we are not looking at this as some kind of element that we're going to amass, or we're going to use this for influence or for favor, even with our loved ones.
Instead, it's something that the Lord has granted us for a short season. So as we look at it in that light, especially in light of the short season that we have, I think that can help the conversation. Now, we have to recognize that we can have this conversation a lot of different times. So hear us out when we say, if you've never had conversations about money and significance of those resources until you have adult children who may even be reaching retirement age, and you may be in your 80s or even your early 90s, that conversation will be quite different than a family that maybe has talked through things all along the way.
One of the things that we've done more and more with our kids as they get older is understand this is kind of the overall level of income that mom and dad have. And this is how Mom and Dad are choosing to use those resources. And here we're inviting you in, in some of those charitable conversations of what we find most important as a family to give to.
But already introducing those concepts of finish lines. So if you've had those conversations all along the way or let's just say that you've been giving to your children all along the way, maybe you've helped with childcare. Maybe you've helped with a down payment for a home. Maybe you've stepped in and helped with grad school or different things, um kind of all along the way,
then it's not going to probably feel quite so abrasive as you come into these conversations. But if, again, this is kind of the first time that you've broached this, it may take a little bit of, getting through that first conversation. It may be that you take a couple of years on this path, and you start to make some gifts, annual gifts along the way.
Maybe you include them in some decisions about charitable donations, you know, along the way for a few years. Maybe, there's different ways that you surface smaller conversations that are still heart conversations and still about finance. Before you get to a point where you're saying, okay, this is my entire balance sheet and this is what I'm doing for my estate plan.
But we have to recognize that people are all along that spectrum. And the level of, challenge in this conversation will also be based, as you mentioned, on how much alignment do we have with our children in terms of, looking at things through a biblical lens of stewardship?

Austin
Right. You know, Spencer, and I think that's really valuable to think about because the reality is, the way that I think about stewardship is very different in a lot of ways than the way that my family did. And so thinking about stewardship and how do I actually utilize these resources as I talk with my parents about what's happening with their finances,
it’s very different than the conversations that I'm going to be having with my kids. I love my folks and the ways that they're handling things, but it is markedly different just because of some of the worldview and things that we have. And so as I think about stewarding my kids, discipling my children, wanting them to to walk in love and serve the Lord, and then on top of that, wanting them to understand that mom and dad are first generous to the Lord and through their generosity to the Lord, because the Lord has been so abundantly generous to us.
We first give to Him and then pass resources along to them. And I think just if I were to fast forward 20, 30, 40 years in my life, if my kids are walking with the Lord still and prayerfully they are, that conversation is going to be very similar. Hey. God has given us these resources. We want to continue to be good stewards of them versus if they're not walking with the Lord, that conversation is going to be markedly different.
If my kids are not enjoying and delighting in the Father, then a conversation about me giving all the resources that I have that I want to to the church might be really hard for that, that son or daughter to understand. Now, prayerfully, 20 or 30 years of conversation will help that. But I just know that a son or daughter that's walking with the Lord that hears me say, yes, we want to steward these and pass them on to kingdom causes.
Versus a son or daughter that's not walking with the Lord, could just be a very different emotional conversation. One might be incredibly excited to join in with us. One might be disappointed that they think that they get resources that they're not getting.

Spencer
And I think that generosity all along the way is so critical, because even if we don't have complete alignment with kids as they grow and as they start their own families and as they go off on their own, if we're being generous to them with our time, with our focus, with our finances, these different pieces all along the way each year.
And they're seeing, okay, mom and dad love to be able to, lavish me with, opportunities for a vacation, you know, with them or for extra gifts at Christmas or birthday or whatever it might be, you know, help along the way. Then I think that that really is is that deposit into the emotional bank account, for those recipients such that they can probably hear much better that we're not going to necessarily go by the American estate plan, which is, you know, net worth divided by number of children.
And voila, here we are. So if we're going to diverge from that, it's also really helpful to have diverged in other ways, like I'm actually going to be really generous with you each year. Even though that's not par for the course for a lot of families, even that are quite wealthy.

Austin
Right. Well, I like to think about this. I think especially if you've set those finish lines, if you've said, hey, this is enough for savings, well, you don't have a massive amount of resources to pass along. Well, then it kind of already limits what your heirs could receive. And so if you have shrunk that nest egg down through active giving to them through your lifetime, well, then when you pass, they may still be expecting some amount of resources.
But if you've dwindled it down, then it's it's not going to do the same damage to their souls that if they just received several million dollars unannounced at your passing. So, you know, as I think about this as well, you know, John Wesley in his sermon, The Use of Money, he talks very directly about the damage that it can do to the soul of the heir.
And we talked about this last time, but just I think his directness can feel very jarring, because he says things of the nature of there are not enough foolish and hurtful desires, not enough pride, lust, ambition, vanity, not enough everlasting burning. Like the reality is, if I look at my soul and the greed that I have at times for more, whether it's more of whatever, more of money, more of, just resources saved in the bank, whatever that more is that I desire.
If I have worked to then earn those, it's very different than if the resources are just placed in my hands unannounced. There's been no putting my hand to the plow. And so I really have to think about, okay, these warnings of wealth are serious for me. If they're serious for me, then they must be really serious for someone else.
If they haven't earned it in the same biblical manner of going to work, saving diligently, seeing accounts grow over time versus just, hey, now I've got $1 million. What do I get to do today? It's a very different exchange in one way, and I think this is where we really have to take the warnings of wealth seriously.
All right. So Spencer, let's go ahead and move from some of the, the theoretical to a little bit more of the practical. So what are some of the steps that we can take to have these conversations with our heirs?

Spencer
Well again, we come back and we don't want this to be a one conversation. We'd far rather it be evolving over decades of bringing them in to your core values and a stewardship mindset. If that's not been the pattern still taking maybe a year or two to work this in and start to have these conversations such that what will lay out here in practical steps for a conversation maybe about your overall estate plan so that that's not the jarring first conversation of, hey, let's go have lunch.
Oh, here's, here's boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And they're left shellshocked and, you know, don't really have, that same capacity, to engage with you. So, but once we get to that point where perhaps over time, you've, you've begun those conversations, or maybe they've been going on for decades and you feel like, okay, now it's time that I kind of lay everything out in terms of those end of life decisions.
First thing, of course, that we would suggest would be to pray as you prepare. So praying for wisdom, James 1:5 like we've talked about, laying that before the Lord and saying, Lord, I need your wisdom here. There is no biblical, passage that perfectly lays out these steps that we need to take. And so Holy Spirit needs to lead and guide us.
As we do that, I think there can be a helpful prompting, oftentimes, that the Holy Spirit can give us of clarifying our motives, our intent for the meeting. Because sometimes, if you're like me, you know, you start off and you think, okay, I know I need to have a meeting here. I need to, have a conversation about this.
It's important enough that we need to set a time, and I might come in thinking initially, these are the three things that we need to talk about. Or this is the main thing that we need to talk about. But as I prepare and I start to listen like, oh, my heart is not prepared, or maybe I sense that this is not the time.
Maybe their heart is not prepared. So the motive may need to shift. There may need to be an adaptation of, of kind of the sequence of, of how we do this. So I think that listening part is really key. I think the next thing that we need to bear in mind is that we want to frame the conversation.
So we want to start with values and not numbers. This is not hey, I'm going to vomit my balance sheet upon you. What do you think about this? Here's my all my beneficiaries. I'm going to give you five minutes to process. Then we'll discuss. No, we start with our values and we remind them that we see our lives as those of stewards of what God's given.
And we lay out those key things that we're also drawn to.: the people, the causes, the activity, so often times that we talk about, and wanting to bring rest to clients. We want to encourage clients to really clarify, again, people and causes how important those are so that it it's done that from the not from the numbers side, but from a real emotive side there.
The third thing that I'll say is we want to then explain the rationale. So, you know, sometimes this could be a hard cap of, well, I'm going to give, this nominal amount to you, your siblings, to different people, to institutions. Or it could be, you know, percentages or it could be an overall way that you're going about setting those limits.
But at the end of the day, we're talking about finish lines. And so hopefully we're also able to couch this in the context of if I pass away tomorrow, here's how things go. Hopefully I'll continue to be able to be generous with you throughout the remainder of my life. And there might be a little bit difference, you know, in terms of how that then limit is set or, or even where the resources amount might be.
You know, as you get farther along the way. But explaining the rationale for why you're setting the limits and how you're grappling with those limits, I think is is a really important thing. We need to we need to frame everything in light of our values. But we also don't want to bury the lead. We want to say, okay, this is this is a key point of why we're here.
And I don't want to, you know, shortchange the impact that this may have. So let's talk about it. And make sure that you've got, that up front so that it doesn't get buried into like the last five minutes of a two hour conversation. And then, you know, it feels forced.

Austin
Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think then the conversation you can continue to invite dialog, continue to say, hey, I, I've dumped a lot on you today. Let's get back together in a week, two weeks. I want to hear how you're processing. What are the things that are maybe challenging for you about these decisions that I've made? I don't want you-
feel free to respond now, but I know that this is also a lot. And sometimes you need to take time to process that. And I think the beautiful thing there is you welcome them into the conversation. And they may say, hey, these are things that are actually have been really challenging, that you may be able to adjust and help them further in the moment.
It may not change your actual finish line and what they receive at the end of life, but at least it allows you to grow in empathy. I think this is the piece that we really need to be aware of, is we come at this in such a manner where we have process with the Lord, with our spouse to determine, okay, what are those finish lines?
And now we're sharing them to a son or daughter that it may have, maybe hearing it for the first time. We still need to be empathetic with that son or daughter. We may differ in what we believe and hold fast to what the Lord has called us to do, but continue to be empathetic and hearing them. If they say, hey, this is really surprising or shocking or those things.
I think coming with a level of humility of saying, yeah, I know this is probably not what you expected, but what are maybe ways that you want to partner with us? If we've said we want to give to church or missions, are there places that you would be excited for our resources to go as well? Maybe you can have that conversation with them to say, hey, I recognize we want a lot of our resources to go to church, to missions organizations, and there are things that we've been passionate about through life.
Are there things that you're passionate about that we can journey with you towards? I think there's just ways to invite that dialog with humility without just coming in with a hammer. Like you're saying, this is what you get. It's done. Period. End of story. Hope that sits well with you. You know, I think at the end of the day, those are places where we need to just understand that there are going to be emotions here.
And I think the last one is just using different tools, whether it's annual family meetings, if you've got multiple kids having the whole conversation together to where they maybe you've had the individual conversations with each child, then saying, hey, let's get all together and discuss this as a family. Let's lay everything out on the table. It is going to be messy.
Clients just know that those conversations are hard in the first place with one individual. If you're doing it with two, three, four, it could raise the level of intensity. So maybe even having letters written out or a financial advisor who shares your worldview that is in that room to be that that advisor, that counselor that can be the mediator of some of those emotions.
Because, as we all know, conversations with with family can be really intense.

Spencer
Well, and you can so easily fall back into those patterns, siblings, maybe the pattern that they got into when they were aged eight and nine, you know, and here they are, they're 48 and 49. But a lot of the way that they relate is back from decades prior. So having a, I think, a trusted outside source and whether that's a close family friend that, would be willing to participate and kind of mediate across this can be helpful or a financial advisor, just from the standpoint that, you know, we don't have to have mom, dad referee this or grandmother, grandfather, referee all of this.
Instead, financial advisor can step in, can listen, but also say, well, you know, I don't know that that's fair. You know, if there is a particular level of intensity from, some folks or to just be able to pause and help to clarify actually what the intent was, but from maybe a different angle, because sometimes we convey things in ways that make sense to us, but they're seen through a lens, particularly if they come from mom or dad.
That may be, difficult, you know, to pick up, for some of the heirs.

Austin
Yeah, Well and I think as we close out today, the one thing I want to, as we've been talking that just keeps coming into my mind is today is never too late. If you look back on your life and you say, man, I have dropped the ball, I haven't had these conversations. Don't let that stop you from having the conversation today.
The reality is our journeys of discipleship start and end in vastly different places. Someone who comes to faith in their 40s and just starts having these conversations with their adult children. It's going to be different because you have not walked with the Lord with your children their entire lives. And so we want to say, today is never too late to have these conversations.
It's far more important to bring this up, to engage your children now rather than continue to defer the conversation. So clients, if you like, help thinking about how to communicate your finish lines with your heirs, we would love to have that conversation with you. Until next time, take care! If you found this episode valuable, share it with a friend and subscribe on your favorite podcast platform so that you don't miss the next episode.

Disclaimer
This content was provided by Second Half Stewardship. We are in Knoxville, Tennessee and you can visit our website at www.secondhalfstewardship.com. The information in this recording is intended for general, educational and informational purposes only, and should not be construed as investment advisory, financial planning, legal, tax, or other professional advice based on your specific situation. Please consult your professional advisor before taking any action based on its contents.